Surviving

Monday, September 20, 2010.

6 months anniversary, and we’re happy. I know you’re leaving soon, but I have no reason to be sad. So, why would I? And I can also see you’re enjoying yourself, just as much as I do. We’re having fun, laughing, although deep down I feel like there’s a very thin string where you can pull it at any time to make every emotion involved in this relationship blow up, and expresses more than what I’m expressing at the moment. I’m trying to be reasonable, and that’s not easy. Still deep down, I wanna shout and tell you not to go. But the logical brain of mine tells different. It says: “what does two-months separation really mean? It’s nothing.” And, soon, we’ll meet again. Very soon.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010.

Yes, it’s the day of your departure. And again, I have no reason to be sad. You’re leaving for something good, and it’s not like you’ll never come back. And we still love each other, so very much. I know I’ll be the first one you want to see once you get your day-offs. I’m not bragging or up myself. It’s just exactly what your eyes are telling me. So, when they called you for boarding, I smiled, and you smiled back at me. I grabbed your hands, and there was not much to say anymore. And it doesn’t take very long for me to realize that you’re actually gone. It hits me like a storm. You didn’t see it when I cried. Some people at the airport stared at me and they looked confused, as if they wanted to know what happened to me. Yes, it might be a bit dramatic. But it was a small cry, and those weren’t tears of sadness. Those were tears of survival. And I’m pretty sure there will be a lot of them coming in the future. I’m surviving to live without you but not really without you. Confusing, huh? Well, that’s love. There’s distance between us now, and it’s real. But you and me and what we have together are also real. Something worth to fight about. And I’ll try everything I can to survive. Then again, distance is created so I can learn how to appreciate and cherish every moment when I’m with you.

In the end, distance will make me love you more.

And, soon, we’ll meet again. Very soon.

Last Night

Finally, this is my last night in Singapore. My friends slowly leave. I was lost, I couldn’t hold my tears.

I have been crying since Yushi left. And when Midhun left. And when Josef, Morten, and Carmen left after spent overnight in the airport. And everybody else that I couldn’t remember. Some of them didn’t see me crying. Some others did.

I’ll miss them so much. Singapore is a fun because I found those people. I’m glad I had a chance to get to know them. But I’m sad because we might not see each other ever again.

Sometimes I think maybe I shouldn’t have gone for this exchange at the first place, if ever I knew that I will meet these cool people and had a wonderful time together. I don’t want to know them at all if it has to end painfully like this. Our last meals together were so different. Everyone looked sad, quiet. Not so much laughter anymore. We didn’t really have something to say, because when we started talking, we would talk about people who already left and start getting sad again.

I cried. A lot. And it hurts.

I Don’t Wanna Cry

I don’t usually cry. People said I’m a happy person, although sometimes I get angry easily, but I don’t cry a lot. So there must be a big reason why I begin this post with certain title.

For 1 semester stay in Singapore, I had a really good time. Not only because of the new experiences on voluntary work, the academic life, but also for all the fun I had with friends I made here. But now it’s almost over. Some people even already went back to their countries. I didn’t cry when we had farewell for Dao on May 1 before she headed back to Thailand. I also didn’t cry when I hugged Carin, the Swedish girl who lived next to my room, before she checked out of PGP.

But Yushi is leaving for Canada tonight, and I can’t promise myself that I won’t cry.

Midhun is leaving for India on May 8, and I can’t promise myself that I won’t cry.

Josef, Morten and Carmen are also leaving Singapore for their adventure to Cambodia and Thailand on May 10, and I can’t promise myself that I won’t cry.

I myself will be leaving Singapore for Yogyakarta on May 11, and I can’t promise myself that I won’t cry.

I don’t wanna cry. But I’m sure I will if I have to.

Farewell can be really painful sometimes. I hate it.